Each morning when I awake
I hope that this day
will be better than the last.
My sadness becomes physical pain...
a headache or a stomach ache
Lasting one day, two days, three
I sleep and apologize to my dog
for not walking her
Wait five minutes
so I don't cry in public
I am disappointed in myself
for having accomplished nothing
Maybe tomorrow will be better
So this is how oppression feels
Political prisoners jailed
for speaking the truth
Others would rather not hear
This is how people give up
Knowing their actions
make no difference
I thought I could make
the world a better place
'Be the change you wish
to see in this world'
But not here and not now
I have been silenced
Without my voice
I am immobile
Without good work
I cannot make change
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Women Flowers
A flower is commonly thought the emblem of a woman;
and a woman is generally thought of something sweet, clinging, tender, and perishable.
But there are women flowers that correspond to the forest magnolia--
high and strong, with a great hold of root and a great spread of branches. . ."
--Harriet Beecher Stowe
and a woman is generally thought of something sweet, clinging, tender, and perishable.
But there are women flowers that correspond to the forest magnolia--
high and strong, with a great hold of root and a great spread of branches. . ."
--Harriet Beecher Stowe
Monday, October 11, 2010
Conditional Love
I am the youngest child in my family and chose to leave home on the eve of my 23rd birthday. I could not live around them anymore because no matter what I do for work or fun will never be good enough for them. (Additionally, they still see me as six years old.) Nothing that I say could possibly be true or informed, because what does a six year-old know anyway?
Once my mother visited me in Seattle and I wanted to bring her to the library to see the friendly librarian who thought so much of me (and my mother did not). It quite literally drives me crazy to have other people in this world who not only respect me, but revere me, and love to have me in their lives. Yet the majority of the people to whom I am genetically related can hardly carry on a conversation with me. Sad, right?
My father used to be really supportive of my choices and made a point of telling me, "I am proud of you," for at least four recent years. Yesterday, via a very un-special phone call, I realized that the pride has ended. I have not asked for money since I was an undergraduate...I spent two successful years in the Peace Corps, and I am in my second year of graduate school, a mere 10 months from being a Master (in my father's field, no less). But it is not enough.
I LOVE my internship. I currently have the job that I have wanted for over five years. I help family farmers. I educate consumers about our broken food system. My father has a loving, giving daughter, successful in both her studies and her life. But it is not enough.
I am in love and hope and plan to be married next year. Most parents would (and should) be happy for their child. But my boyfriend is not enough. My father actually asked me about an ex-boyfriend from 12 years ago last month.
So last night I found myself on the phone, crying to my boyfriend of how my family hurts me again and again. Misael promised that he was more than just my boyfriend; that he is and always will be MY FAMILY. That's just what I have always wanted...a family to love me.
My father asked me if I loved what I did, then why was it important what he thought? I responded that his opinions matter because he is my father. I told him that (as much as I hate it) his opinions will always matter to me. However, the role of a parent should be to cultivate all things that their child loves and develop an interest in it themselves. My true friends (the family that I have grown and cultivated) always support my choices. They also love me unconditionally.
Long ago, a friend promised her unconditional love to me and I did not believe her because I had not had a lot of prior experience with true, unconditional love. I also did not want to believe that the people to whom I have been tied by blood my whole life, could not turn around. Maybe they were just hurting and they would soon remember how to love me. She was right about them and I was overly optimistic. My family will never love me unconditionally and I have had enough of their poor treatment.
Once my mother visited me in Seattle and I wanted to bring her to the library to see the friendly librarian who thought so much of me (and my mother did not). It quite literally drives me crazy to have other people in this world who not only respect me, but revere me, and love to have me in their lives. Yet the majority of the people to whom I am genetically related can hardly carry on a conversation with me. Sad, right?
My father used to be really supportive of my choices and made a point of telling me, "I am proud of you," for at least four recent years. Yesterday, via a very un-special phone call, I realized that the pride has ended. I have not asked for money since I was an undergraduate...I spent two successful years in the Peace Corps, and I am in my second year of graduate school, a mere 10 months from being a Master (in my father's field, no less). But it is not enough.
I LOVE my internship. I currently have the job that I have wanted for over five years. I help family farmers. I educate consumers about our broken food system. My father has a loving, giving daughter, successful in both her studies and her life. But it is not enough.
I am in love and hope and plan to be married next year. Most parents would (and should) be happy for their child. But my boyfriend is not enough. My father actually asked me about an ex-boyfriend from 12 years ago last month.
So last night I found myself on the phone, crying to my boyfriend of how my family hurts me again and again. Misael promised that he was more than just my boyfriend; that he is and always will be MY FAMILY. That's just what I have always wanted...a family to love me.
My father asked me if I loved what I did, then why was it important what he thought? I responded that his opinions matter because he is my father. I told him that (as much as I hate it) his opinions will always matter to me. However, the role of a parent should be to cultivate all things that their child loves and develop an interest in it themselves. My true friends (the family that I have grown and cultivated) always support my choices. They also love me unconditionally.
Long ago, a friend promised her unconditional love to me and I did not believe her because I had not had a lot of prior experience with true, unconditional love. I also did not want to believe that the people to whom I have been tied by blood my whole life, could not turn around. Maybe they were just hurting and they would soon remember how to love me. She was right about them and I was overly optimistic. My family will never love me unconditionally and I have had enough of their poor treatment.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Peace Corps Advice
A friend wrote on behalf of a co-worker leaving in July for Peace Corps Cambodia. It was nice to counsel someone off for a surely amazing experience:
Cambodia sounds more exotic (and certainly farther away than Panama)...why would you be jealous? "Youth Development Advisor" leads me to believe that there will be more infrastructure where you are going than where I was, but I could be wrong.
I was culturally competent, but not confident, per se. I made mistakes and I learned from them. I continued to make mistakes and learn from them for two years. You can never know what the particular culture of your community will be. Our training took place in a community close to the capital (closer for the staff to visit us) so they were used to Peace Corps Volunteers training there and our funny American ways. Your future community may or may not be used to volunteers, and there are advantages and disadvantages to both situations.
Site selection isn't necessarily competitive, because you will probably have preferences different from your peers. I wanted to be in an "untouched" community, not a "commuter community," where young men left to work in the capital. Turns out they went to the capital anyway for work...it was just a lot farther away. I didn't want electricity but running water was important to me...and water features in general. My "APCD" (program director) forgot what I wanted but I had time to remind her before placement...so I got a community on a dirt road, 2.5 hours from the nearest city with running, cold mountain water, streams, a river, and a lake in the mountains. It was totally GORGEOUS but my community wasn't that interested in working with me. So I did a lot of projects outside of the community and became the Secretary of the Peace Corps Panama Gender and Development Committee. There is always something to do in the Peace Corps, just look for it and make it happen.
Be clear with your APCD what you want and do not want in your community. Hopefully, you will meet some current volunteers during training so you can begin to form an idea of what those things are.
In-country staff varies from country-to-country and also amongst individuals. They will help you out, but sometimes it takes some time. It depends on how busy they are, too. If they have families and lots of volunteers to manage, you may not get so much personal attention. You will get a feel for your staff during training. The medical officers are officially available 24-7 for medical emergencies. No one will ever allow you to remain in danger. You will always be safe, so don't worry about that. It's the other things that have slower reaction times and I personally enjoyed problem-solving on my own.
Don't worry about first-aid kits. They will provide you with a huge one when you get to Cambodia. Pack professional clothes...they expected us to be in business-casual clothes for most of the 10 weeks of training. Later, you can wear what you want (or what's appropriate for your community). You may want to dress semi-professionally in your position (English teacher and youth director sounds like a position of respect.) Bring photos of your family and friends, and maybe favorite places, too. I had a 25-page mini album that really helped out my homesickness. (Now it's filled with photos of Panama.)
Cambodians may have prejudices based on what they have learned in the media. I do not know what you look like but just in case I want to let you know that sometimes prejudices manifest themselves in that they think that all Americans are blonde and blue-eyed. My Mexican-American friend who served in Honduras referred to herself as "just another brown girl." My Nepalese-American friend who served with me in Panama was forever called "Chino" (Chinese) for his Asian looks. He worked with an indigenous minority group in a very rural area. I have always looked like someones cousin, no matter where I am, so that worked for me.
Take care. Good luck. Have fun!
Cambodia sounds more exotic (and certainly farther away than Panama)...why would you be jealous? "Youth Development Advisor" leads me to believe that there will be more infrastructure where you are going than where I was, but I could be wrong.
I was culturally competent, but not confident, per se. I made mistakes and I learned from them. I continued to make mistakes and learn from them for two years. You can never know what the particular culture of your community will be. Our training took place in a community close to the capital (closer for the staff to visit us) so they were used to Peace Corps Volunteers training there and our funny American ways. Your future community may or may not be used to volunteers, and there are advantages and disadvantages to both situations.
Site selection isn't necessarily competitive, because you will probably have preferences different from your peers. I wanted to be in an "untouched" community, not a "commuter community," where young men left to work in the capital. Turns out they went to the capital anyway for work...it was just a lot farther away. I didn't want electricity but running water was important to me...and water features in general. My "APCD" (program director) forgot what I wanted but I had time to remind her before placement...so I got a community on a dirt road, 2.5 hours from the nearest city with running, cold mountain water, streams, a river, and a lake in the mountains. It was totally GORGEOUS but my community wasn't that interested in working with me. So I did a lot of projects outside of the community and became the Secretary of the Peace Corps Panama Gender and Development Committee. There is always something to do in the Peace Corps, just look for it and make it happen.
Be clear with your APCD what you want and do not want in your community. Hopefully, you will meet some current volunteers during training so you can begin to form an idea of what those things are.
In-country staff varies from country-to-country and also amongst individuals. They will help you out, but sometimes it takes some time. It depends on how busy they are, too. If they have families and lots of volunteers to manage, you may not get so much personal attention. You will get a feel for your staff during training. The medical officers are officially available 24-7 for medical emergencies. No one will ever allow you to remain in danger. You will always be safe, so don't worry about that. It's the other things that have slower reaction times and I personally enjoyed problem-solving on my own.
Don't worry about first-aid kits. They will provide you with a huge one when you get to Cambodia. Pack professional clothes...they expected us to be in business-casual clothes for most of the 10 weeks of training. Later, you can wear what you want (or what's appropriate for your community). You may want to dress semi-professionally in your position (English teacher and youth director sounds like a position of respect.) Bring photos of your family and friends, and maybe favorite places, too. I had a 25-page mini album that really helped out my homesickness. (Now it's filled with photos of Panama.)
Cambodians may have prejudices based on what they have learned in the media. I do not know what you look like but just in case I want to let you know that sometimes prejudices manifest themselves in that they think that all Americans are blonde and blue-eyed. My Mexican-American friend who served in Honduras referred to herself as "just another brown girl." My Nepalese-American friend who served with me in Panama was forever called "Chino" (Chinese) for his Asian looks. He worked with an indigenous minority group in a very rural area. I have always looked like someones cousin, no matter where I am, so that worked for me.
Take care. Good luck. Have fun!
Finally! An Update
Graduate school is not nearly as exciting or notable as Peace Corps life, unfortunately. I also was soooo busy and stressed out at the end of my spring semester. I was taking 15 credits (that's FIVE graduate-level courses), writing five term papers, and working in my graduate assistantship.
Two weeks ago, I finally received my internship placement for next year and it is the one that I had been hoping for all year. I will be working with the Illinois Stewardship Alliance on local foods issues. Last week I took a day off from my summer job to search for apartments and was able to sign a lease at 5:05pm that day. The apartment is close to work, in a good area of town, has a back yard, and is dog-friendly. Then I bought a huge SUV--a 1996 Ford Explorer on Saturday. I am still waiting for the check to clear so I can get the title and license plates. So I can breathe again. Thank goodness! A friend wisely suggested that I take a deep breath.
Slowly but surely, I am uncluttering my current apartment and packing up my belongings so I can move to Springfield. I actually have a full week's work the week my current lease ends so I don't know yet where I will sleep that week but the idea is to have everything organized and moved before then.
Next year will be spent working full-time in my internship and writing my thesis. I am hoping that is less stressful than 15 credit hours and part-time work.
Two weeks ago, I finally received my internship placement for next year and it is the one that I had been hoping for all year. I will be working with the Illinois Stewardship Alliance on local foods issues. Last week I took a day off from my summer job to search for apartments and was able to sign a lease at 5:05pm that day. The apartment is close to work, in a good area of town, has a back yard, and is dog-friendly. Then I bought a huge SUV--a 1996 Ford Explorer on Saturday. I am still waiting for the check to clear so I can get the title and license plates. So I can breathe again. Thank goodness! A friend wisely suggested that I take a deep breath.
Slowly but surely, I am uncluttering my current apartment and packing up my belongings so I can move to Springfield. I actually have a full week's work the week my current lease ends so I don't know yet where I will sleep that week but the idea is to have everything organized and moved before then.
Next year will be spent working full-time in my internship and writing my thesis. I am hoping that is less stressful than 15 credit hours and part-time work.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Da Da in the Spring
Macomb, Illinois continues to surprise me. Last night I attended a Dada party at the Arts Center "downtown". Downtown is a small square centered around the courthouse, surrounded by shops and restaurants. Right now they have an exhibit of political art and last night the Arts Center hosted a fund-raising event, with a DaDa theme. We wore costumes, brought food and drink, wrote and performed poetry, and had a dance party in the end. It was a great event.
Many of the poems were words cut out of magazines. For my part, I looked for words I liked and then sat down with them to arrange them, kind of how one arranges Scrabble tiles they have drawn. Here is the poem I wrote:
In other news, spring has come. As this is my first spring in three years (since spring 2007), I am rejoicing in the blossoming crocuses and daffodils. The grass is so green and there are the first signs of leaves on the trees. Spring is such an exciting time of year!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
International Bazaar
This weekend, WIU held it's 37th annual International Bazaar. Hmmm...what should that look like in a town with a population of 18,500 and dominantly white-bread demographics? Surprisingly, it was BEAUTIFUL!
The university has a huge international program. Last night I learned that WIU demographics represent one-third of all of the countries IN THE WORLD! Isn't that amazing? I had personally noticed that I always had a lot of international students in my classes, but I thought that was due to my major of Political Science. They are actually involved in most majors here.
My colleagues and I represented the Peace Corps Fellows program here on campus. Our booth was decorated with two walls of handprints, a world map, Peace Corps slogans, and trinkets from various countries that we served in. Bangladesh, Armenia, Ghana, Niger, Cameroon, South Africa, Panama, and the Dominican Republic. Our participation is highlighted in the three goals of Peace Corps, this being the third goal, "Helping promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans."
So many countries were represented in the International Bazaar! Beyond our booth there were also booths for Taiwan, Sudan, Spain, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Nepal, India, Japan, China, Korea, Philippines, Africa (the continent), the United States, Guatemala, Bolivia, and the Dominican Republic. There was entertainment both nights with music and dance from many countries. Indian dance dominated, and we all loved it! Last night each booth had two representative foods from their country. It was the only time all year you can eat good international food in our small town.
I loved looking around the room at everyone in their traditional dress. Everyone looked so beautiful! It was nice to share my Peace Corps experience with strangers, perhaps interested in applying. I got to see two of the actresses from The Vagina Monologues dance on stage. One danced salsa and the other bellydanced. I got to meet friends' children. One new friend from Panama dressed her daughter in a pollera the second night of the Bazaar.
The International Bazaar was a feast for the senses and I felt so blessed to be a part of it. Thanks to all the other Peace Corps Fellows who worked so hard to make it all come together!
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